GIRLFRIEND APPRECIATION MONTH

Boys come & go but girlfriends are forever.

Dont get me wrong boys have their moments & give life a certain depth in the right situations. But in other situations.... why bother with them??
Hanging with my girlfriends without even attempting to flirt has a certain liberation.

I am grateful for good girlfriends.... and our walks, book sharing, red bull, roadtrips, beach trips, dinners out, dinners in, photo shoots, dressup adventures and just being our silly (or serious) selves.

April was GIRLFRIEND APPRECIATION month. Here are some pics to document the celebration.



boys arent needed for pyramids




posing for our very own Gap ad



its fun to have friends that sell wedding dresses and let us try them on just for fun (We dont even need boys to try on wedding dresses!)




the more girl friends the better! (never thought i would say that.)




a couple drinks after 24 hours of roadtriping, uhauling, furniture moving, and eating.



my girlfriend since 7th grade. slumber party (and hot tub party) at a hotel in salem. whoo hoo!

Good Riddance Friday

2 years ago today I came home from work to find a note on the table saying my marriage was over.

Good Friday or rather Good Riddance Friday.

Why does my heart still ache? Why has this whole week been a complete emotional landslide? Why does the thought of Easter dinner make me want to throw up?

Annoying

Things that annoy me:
one word texts
being ignored
limbo
guilt
tight pants
being emotional
rain
bad traffic
games
(there is more but I will stop now)

THE POINT IS.....

What I learn from these annoying things:
I am guilty of doing most of these things to other people
I need to stop doing them because it doesn't make people feel good
I need to be a better person and now I have a reference place to start.
I should probably move to somewhere it doesnt rain so much.
I should probably not eat a 1/2 bag of sunchips just because they taste delicious

This is me being annoying & obnoxious.

I'm Pretty Excited!!

I did 10 push ups today!!!!!!!!!!

(that is a "!" for every pushup)

I told my trainer I ate a half batch of no bake cookies this weekend and he responded with "drop and give me 10."
I told him I had never done push ups before. But I dropped anyway (mostly thinking I would prove myself a weakling again) and I did 10 push ups. I asked if I did them right (thinking he would say those were a pathetic excuse for push ups) and he said "surprisingly yes."

YAHOO!! I can do push ups. Another guy was watching me too (he was on the mat and I was just on the carpet next to the trainers desk) and he said he was impressed.

Someone was impressed with something I did at the gym!!

I feel pretty buff and amazing today. oh ya.

Santas Elf

WEDNESDAY
Anton and Mikey came over to move OUT my furniture. We also played the fun game of stuffing Anton into Little Red and took pictures. We ate pizza and made diet cake. i ate a lot of it. It was a great day.





MONDAY!!
Back home. Anton and his brother helped move my furniture back into the house. i dont wanted to move the other crap back in. so i haven't. i started painting my bedroom instead. i really dont want another project. but there you go . . . i got one anyway.... and its my own fault.

The latest

i think exciting things are going to happen very soon.

that is besides my refinished floors. although that is exciting.

tomorrow is the day. i have to move out for 3 days. but when i moved back in it will be new and clean. that is the perfect stage for the exciting things that are going to happen. i dont really want to bring all the crap back in. i think i will get rid of it all. that way i will never have to pack it up again.



now that is an exciting thought.

see? i knew exciting things were going to be happening.

I'm going to do it again.

i started today. again. no cookies, candy or dessert. 2 weeks. maybe more.

my body hates them. h.a.t.e.s. them.

my mouth, my eyes, and my brain LOVE them. but my body hates them.

so i will listen to my body.

my body wants so many things that i wont give it right now. i guess i will compromise my NOT GIVING IT what it DOESNT WANT.

ok. so its on. body vs. senses.

I dont mind

This is a cheerful little diddy. I like it.

do you?

memory lane

kids are funny. adults are funny too. in the past i haven't minded going to the dentist but the last time i went i wanted to rip the dentists face off her, along with the hygienist.

memory lane:
when i had my wisdom teeth pulled they knocked me out completely. i told my boyfriend at the time that no matter what happened he was to stop by Arby's at get me a jamocha milkshake on the way home. being the good boyfriend that he was he complied with my request but i wasn't able to get any of the milkshake in my mouth. it ended up all over my face and down the front of my shirt.
that entire afternoon i was trying to "be normal". i tried to watch a movie (Gladiator) the experience was horrible. (I still have no desire to try to watch that movie again.) i tried to pass out. i vomited up my pain medication.
I really did wonder if what i was experiencing was real life and if the horrible delirium would ever pass.
yes, its funny. but it brings back memories. and "no, dad-in-the-video, it is not kind of fun."

click on real life to see the video of reference. or for a star wars twist check this out.

My Walk with Milton

i wish i had a picture of my afternoon walk in the snow today. i really wanted to take a picture but i thought pulling out my cell phone and snapping a picture would have ruined the magical moment. have you ever had that happen? have you ever had a moment so magical that taking a picture would have ruined it despite your intense desire to capture the moment forever? some moments, like this one, will be captured forever in memory only. And, of course, in the shirt that will hang in my closet.

The story:

I was on MLK this afternoon and met a smallish, old man named Milton. I noticed that Milton was wearing a snap shirt. I have been wanting a snap shirt. I asked Milton where he shopped and he told me he had not been shopping in over 20 years. But back in the day he did all his shopping at Montgomery Wards.
I admired his snap shirt and told him I had been looking for one of my own but didn’t want anything trendy. He told me that if I would hold his hand and walk a block in his company that I could have the shirt off his back. We walked and talked and then he stripped off his shirt (with a snap snap snap) and handed it to me. It was a magical moment as the enormous snow flakes whirled down around us. (Don’t worry he had a very warm jacket and an undershirt to keep him plenty warm.)
While Milton is a small man he is still a bit larger than me. His shirt is a tad big on me but that detail is comforting to me. It feels manly. It will remind me of my hand in hand walk with Milton. It fills my need. I am happy.

25 random things about me

1. i talk to things that dont talk back. i talk to my plant at work. i talk to squirrels i see on the street. i talk to cool looking trees. i say good bye to the rooms in my house when i leave for a trip. i say hello to my stuff when i return.
2. i love just about anything with coconut. right now i am craving coconut pancakes with vanilla syrup.
3. i love skinny dipping.
4. when i was 18 i got a tattoo because someone told me that i "wasnt the type"
5. i collect the state quarters. one from Philadelphia & 1 from Denver..
6. if i dont get enough "me time" i get really cranky and anxious.
7. last year i got up every morning and taught a 6am Old Testament class to 19 high school students before work. i did this for 9 months (the entire school year) for free.
8. my dream job is to be a wife & mom
9. i have a book in progress but i dont work on it very often other than research and outline.
10. when i am home alone i sleep with the light on.
11. my first car was a bight orange buick skylark with a white top. in an effort to make it cool i would pretend it was the dukes of hazard car.
12. macaroni & cheese, grilled cheese sandwiches and homemade chicken noodle soup are my main comfort foods.
13. i love to "pretend". i wish i would have taken drama in HS instead of choir. I wish i would have taken more acting classes in college.
14. right now the person i would most like to see is my long lost "brother" that i haven't seen in 20 years.
15. i HATE admitting i am divorced. its my shameful secret. i rather pretend like it didn't happen. sometimes i do.
16. I was accepted into the PeaceCorp (Africa – Business Development) but never went
17. I was almost mugged while I was in Peru but because I didn’t understand what they were telling me to do I wasn’t scared so they turned around and left. (later a witness came up to me and explained what happened – then I was scared)
18. I have a secret collection of children’s books. I add to it on a regular basis..
19. I used to be very anti gun. In the last couple years I have gone shooting a couple times. Now I kind of want to own a tiny (girly), semi automatic hand gun.
20. I have a secret, suppressed desire to go hunting, kill an elk and then eat it.
21. my grandma gave me a silver charm bracelet when I was born. I have been adding charms to it ever since. I added her charms to it after she died. It is probably my most prized material possession.
22. my real life version of the velveteen rabbit is a stuffed cat named custard.
23. when i go for a walk i pick up cool looking rocks and bring them home. not sure why.
24. from the time i was in 7th grade til i graduated from high school my dad sent me flowers (often times to school) for every report card.
25. i really want to visit Germany and sit in a haufbrauhaus and sing pub songs in German (even though i dont drink). the only german i remember from HS is how to yell at someone (halts mal!, bleib sitzen!, steh auf!, geh an der fenster!) and sing pub songs.

voodoo

i am done being sad. sad sucks. now i am annoyed. annoyed is manageable. when i am annoyed i get things done. i'd make a list of things that are annoying me but that may annoy somebody(s) that reads it. so i will make a secret list of annoyances and voodoo the list.
i was thinking of voodoo the other day. several years ago i dated a guy from Louisiana. he was also an artist. he thought it was cool to make voodoo art. i thought it was tacky. eventually i told him so. one day he made these amazing pencil/ watercolor pieces that i fell in love with. he eventually gave them to me. over the course of life's dealings those pieces are living in california with a friend. i have been tempted to make a road trip to retrieve them. i miss them. (i dont even have a picture of them. i just spent 15 minutes looking)

looking forward.... one more month and then it will be SPRING!! maybe then i will cheer up and not be annoyed anymore. crappy weather, winter shoes, jeans, bulky sweaters . . . all these things are on my annoyance list.
Spring, Spring, Spring . . . .

my playlist SUCKS

my bounceback playlist SUCKS! it made me sad. do any of my readers have a song recommendation for my bounceback playlist?

Its been a while

its been a while since i've been sad. poor blue. i cant believe he always feels like this. i hate it. it makes me feel like like life is on hold; like life cant continue until i am happy again.

something today made me smile and step skip for just a minute and then it came back to me. i am sad. crap. why cant i forget that i am sad until i am no longer sad? that sounds like a good plan. maybe thats why people drink and hook up with one night stands; to temporarily forget they are sad.

i did a shot of chocolate at work today. i held it up, toasted the air, and then popped it in my mouth. it was unsatisfying and then it gave me a tummy ache.

i love compliments. empty lines of flattery are not compliments. but a true compliment elates me. i got a couple true compliments today. it made me proud. and it made me smile. and then i remembered, i am sad.

sometimes, even in the recent past, when i have been sad i have been able to still act happy. in fact, acting happy when i am really sad is kind of a drunk feeling - - surreal. sometimes when i have been caught up in these surreal acts of happiness i have fallen into some quite adventurous situations.

i think this time i am going to wait out the sad though. i am going to bask in the sadness. i am going to wallow. why? why would i do that? well, because i've never done it before.

what is this picture you say? this is me waiting it out. this is me in the backseat, with no ponytail holder, waiting for a break so i can see again. that is what this picture represents. waiting.

during the saddest time of my whole life i didn't spend 5 minutes by myself. i ran on pure adrenaline and slept on couches and in cars and i was never alone. it took me a long time to bounce back from that.

speaking of . . . i am making a bounce back play list. i listened to a few bounce back-ish songs this morning and thought to myself "wow, i should make a bounce back playlist". Blue has made numerous ANGSTY playlists. i think i will make him a copy of my bounceback playlist .... when its done.

Buster Bunny

in college i bought a floppy eared bunny and named it buster.
buster bunny.
he was so dang cute. he wiggled his nose in a way that melted my heart. but i would soon learn that he stank.

most boys (all boys??) do.

his cage stank and when i let him out of his cage he made every where else stink. i heard rumor that i could potty train him but it seemed impossible. he was an adorable, nose wiggling, STINKY bunny. later he would be my roommate's bunny. then, in an ultimatum breaking my roommate's heart, he became someone else's bunny because i couldn't tolerate his stench any longer. i couldn't look at buster. if i looked at him, his nose wiggling would melt my heart.

i had to be strong, and calloused, and be rid of the bunny.

Since then i have pushed buster out of my memory for the most part.

i have a token picture of him in my college scrap book. he is pretty dang cute to look at even in the picture. i can almost remember how soft he was and see his little nose wiggle as he burrowed into the blankets on my bed (right before he peed on it.)


nose wiggling . . . . can such a little trait really be all it takes to melt my heart?

obviously.

i hate being calloused and detached. i hate pretending to not see a nose wiggle. i hate feeling my heart leap and not acknowledging it. years later will i still be haunted by a little nose wiggler?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4IARhIaCkV0

this video looks like bunny nose FLARING, not wiggling. a wiggle has a little more of a circular motion. unfortunately, i know just where to find the wiggle too. and i really wish it was on youtube so i could watch it right now.

Update

i just realized, to my self centered awareness, that i did not blog about the accomplishment of my 2 week effort. On wednesday 1/7/09 i decided to give up candy/cookies/ & dessert for 2 weeks. i updated along the way but never revealed if i stayed true to the very end. Well i did. i did not partake of candy/ cookies/ or dessert until Thursday 1/22. that is, infact, 15 days.
i broke this effort with a piece of cake at work. it was a disappointment. i had deep dish brownies with icecream on friday. also a disappointment. i had more, cooled brownies on saturday and i am not gonna lie. . . . those were AMAZING!!
i still have not had a BV chocolate/ hazelnut milkshake. i am going to try to make it til saturday for that.

Little Red

Little Red has not been out of the garage since the Thursday BEFORE Christmas. That is 4 weeks + 3 days.
It was safer for her in the garage.
But she was lonely. And thanks to Shade & the other stray cats she was dirty.

Today she came out of the garage.
She went through a car wash.
She got her tummy full of regular unleaded gas and then . . . .

SHE PUT HER TOP DOWN AND CRUISED!!!

Blue Skies, Cruisin' around topless . . . Can it be Spring yet??

2008 Recap

This is a report, with some edits, summing up my unsuccess in 2008. i am leaving off my one night stands (& other forgetables) and of course my-mom-set-me-up disaster.

Dating is awkward. Planned, Paired Off, and Paid For; the supposed definition of a date. A better definition: Awkward. I am pretty sure I am ready for a relationship. And I am pretty sure my heart is whole and ready to love. But for some darned reason I am having a really hard time being swept off my feet.
To break the ice I had my BDFC date last summer. And then I had my first rebound kiss with the DJ at Gienelle's wedding in September 07. And then the ball really got rolling when Natalie and I decided to get a New Years Kiss no matter what (and succeeded). Since then (1/1/08) the game has been in motion. Let me recap (in no particular order) some of the highlights (purposely leaving out the low lights like my date to the sweethearts ball that told me that he was excited that I was better looking than his X wife.)

Guy #1 Great Guy. He met all of my dating qualifications. He calls and asks me out early in the week for the weekend. This happens every week for 2 months. Great dates, great guy, no spark. He was intelligent, good conversationalist, but there was no chemistry. I am a pretty flirty person and I could NOT flirt with him. We held hands and awkwardly cuddled. After 2 months I asked him why he kept asking me out. He then asked me: Why do you keep saying yes? This was the end of the "relationship". But this was not a relationship. There was no DTR, no mid week chats (a few texts, but that doesn't really count). He even agreed that it was not a relationship even though he confessed he wasn't dating anyone else. THE END

Guy #2 He also met all the dating qualifications. He was basically the most complimentary, romantic guy ever. Persistent, upfront, committed, brought gifts, flowers, he can cook (and does), and he always eased my worries when I was stressed. He is fun, creative, intelligent, and ambitious . . . I am an idiot. For months he declared his feelings, and time and time again I turned him down. Each time I turned him down he would stay my friend and be loyal and fabulous. He would get jealous but never mad. Damn my feelings or rather the lack of them.

Guy #3 Good Guy. He is dependable, funny, athletic, faithful. Who ever said guys were slow to commit never met this guy. Every time we hung out we were in a relationship. And when I realized this I had to "break it off". I broke up with him more times than anyone else ever before and we were never even in a relationship (atleast as far as my intentions went). Sheesh. What hurt is that I loved being friends with him. We had a flirty friendship that he misread as a relationship. I have been told I suck at communicating. I also suck at breaking up. But I got lots of practice here. More than I paid for really.

Guy #4 He was fun, flirty, unassuming. He was me in a male body. Our chemistry was awesome. We both agreed that if nothing else we had chemistry. However, he was all, all wrong for me. Which is why I wanted him!! This is the story of my romantic life. Love based on chemistry. Sheesh I have gotten to the point where I am like "this multi-guy-dating has to stop!" So I was actually thinking "this is the one I pick". But Mr. Fun & Flirty ran away. Well not really. But he just wanted to keep things Hot and Light Hearted. Not Hot and Heavy. Oh well. Hot tubs, hot all nighters, hot conversations - - its true what they say . . . you can't base a relationship on heat. Dammit. I love heat.

Guy #5 Wow. OK the best part of this guy was his arms. OK, his whole body really. I hated his hair because it had too much gel in it but there was plenty left of him to run under my fingers. I have never really been a girl that needed a hot guy. In fact, quite the contrary. This guy was also ALL wrong for me. But we had such an amazing 1st meeting and such an amazing 1st date. I wish I could rewind to the end of that 1st date and just leave it at that. Leave it and say "no more, it will ruin it." Because more did ruin it. There was no improving on that first date although we tried for 6 weeks and it ended when sleepovers (or the lack of) became of issue. He disappeared. Crap. Atleast the beginning of our love story and his ARMS made it worth it. For those reasons I do not regret it. Moral of the story: if you feel inclined to leave your # for a hot waiter that gives great service, DO IT.

Guy #6 This was a relationship based on cuddling and racquetball. I guess there are worse things to base a relationship on. He is one of the very, very few people that I could talk with on the phone for hours. I am not even sure what we talked about but it was good. However, he wanted a girlfriend and I wanted a different boyfriend so we were at an impasse. He was all wrong for me too. And in truth, I really was all wrong for him too. But somehow we "got eachother" and the secret romance and the stolen kisses were fun. And he is one of the few, observant people that could recognize my fully clothed body from the back on a crowded beach he did not know I would be at. There is something flattering about that.

Guy#7 This guy was fantastic. Not passive, very direct (yet romantic) in his intentions. Very manly, rugged, sweet, sensitive. Healthy cook, good cuddler, great smile, swoonful singing voice, AND definitely ready to take things to "relationship level". But, alas, i could not do it. I did put forth a valiant effort, but in the end, it was THE END.

OK 2009 . . . Whats in store???

the pages are stuck together , , , ,

often, not always, but often i will read the last page of a book to see if i like it. i dont care that it "ruins" it. i look forward to seeing the story unfold in the other pages knowing that i will reach a good ending.
i am in the middle of a story now that has had quite a few unexpected twists. for some reason i cannot skip ahead to the final page to see how it ends. i keep threatening to quit the story because it doesn't make any sense. but every time i give up on the story something hopeful happens. the dang plot of the story is thickening and i am afraid i am getting sucked in. it has the form of a "happily ever after romance" but, like Message in a Bottle & City of Angels (i hate those books/movies), i see drama potential for a whole box of kleenex.
dammit! why cant i read the last page?? even skip ahead a few chapters? i like to do that too. i like to make sure the story is going in a direction i agree with. i did that with Twilight and my roommate scolded me but it did not ruin the story, it make me look forward to the unfolding.

deliciousness

here he is thinking about me and writing something charming.



this pic is me with my magical goblet and mr. magical himself



these pictures make me happy. and since it is a happy new year i thought i would post them as my 1st post of 2009.