The latest

i think exciting things are going to happen very soon.

that is besides my refinished floors. although that is exciting.

tomorrow is the day. i have to move out for 3 days. but when i moved back in it will be new and clean. that is the perfect stage for the exciting things that are going to happen. i dont really want to bring all the crap back in. i think i will get rid of it all. that way i will never have to pack it up again.



now that is an exciting thought.

see? i knew exciting things were going to be happening.

I'm going to do it again.

i started today. again. no cookies, candy or dessert. 2 weeks. maybe more.

my body hates them. h.a.t.e.s. them.

my mouth, my eyes, and my brain LOVE them. but my body hates them.

so i will listen to my body.

my body wants so many things that i wont give it right now. i guess i will compromise my NOT GIVING IT what it DOESNT WANT.

ok. so its on. body vs. senses.

I dont mind

This is a cheerful little diddy. I like it.

do you?

memory lane

kids are funny. adults are funny too. in the past i haven't minded going to the dentist but the last time i went i wanted to rip the dentists face off her, along with the hygienist.

memory lane:
when i had my wisdom teeth pulled they knocked me out completely. i told my boyfriend at the time that no matter what happened he was to stop by Arby's at get me a jamocha milkshake on the way home. being the good boyfriend that he was he complied with my request but i wasn't able to get any of the milkshake in my mouth. it ended up all over my face and down the front of my shirt.
that entire afternoon i was trying to "be normal". i tried to watch a movie (Gladiator) the experience was horrible. (I still have no desire to try to watch that movie again.) i tried to pass out. i vomited up my pain medication.
I really did wonder if what i was experiencing was real life and if the horrible delirium would ever pass.
yes, its funny. but it brings back memories. and "no, dad-in-the-video, it is not kind of fun."

click on real life to see the video of reference. or for a star wars twist check this out.

My Walk with Milton

i wish i had a picture of my afternoon walk in the snow today. i really wanted to take a picture but i thought pulling out my cell phone and snapping a picture would have ruined the magical moment. have you ever had that happen? have you ever had a moment so magical that taking a picture would have ruined it despite your intense desire to capture the moment forever? some moments, like this one, will be captured forever in memory only. And, of course, in the shirt that will hang in my closet.

The story:

I was on MLK this afternoon and met a smallish, old man named Milton. I noticed that Milton was wearing a snap shirt. I have been wanting a snap shirt. I asked Milton where he shopped and he told me he had not been shopping in over 20 years. But back in the day he did all his shopping at Montgomery Wards.
I admired his snap shirt and told him I had been looking for one of my own but didn’t want anything trendy. He told me that if I would hold his hand and walk a block in his company that I could have the shirt off his back. We walked and talked and then he stripped off his shirt (with a snap snap snap) and handed it to me. It was a magical moment as the enormous snow flakes whirled down around us. (Don’t worry he had a very warm jacket and an undershirt to keep him plenty warm.)
While Milton is a small man he is still a bit larger than me. His shirt is a tad big on me but that detail is comforting to me. It feels manly. It will remind me of my hand in hand walk with Milton. It fills my need. I am happy.

25 random things about me

1. i talk to things that dont talk back. i talk to my plant at work. i talk to squirrels i see on the street. i talk to cool looking trees. i say good bye to the rooms in my house when i leave for a trip. i say hello to my stuff when i return.
2. i love just about anything with coconut. right now i am craving coconut pancakes with vanilla syrup.
3. i love skinny dipping.
4. when i was 18 i got a tattoo because someone told me that i "wasnt the type"
5. i collect the state quarters. one from Philadelphia & 1 from Denver..
6. if i dont get enough "me time" i get really cranky and anxious.
7. last year i got up every morning and taught a 6am Old Testament class to 19 high school students before work. i did this for 9 months (the entire school year) for free.
8. my dream job is to be a wife & mom
9. i have a book in progress but i dont work on it very often other than research and outline.
10. when i am home alone i sleep with the light on.
11. my first car was a bight orange buick skylark with a white top. in an effort to make it cool i would pretend it was the dukes of hazard car.
12. macaroni & cheese, grilled cheese sandwiches and homemade chicken noodle soup are my main comfort foods.
13. i love to "pretend". i wish i would have taken drama in HS instead of choir. I wish i would have taken more acting classes in college.
14. right now the person i would most like to see is my long lost "brother" that i haven't seen in 20 years.
15. i HATE admitting i am divorced. its my shameful secret. i rather pretend like it didn't happen. sometimes i do.
16. I was accepted into the PeaceCorp (Africa – Business Development) but never went
17. I was almost mugged while I was in Peru but because I didn’t understand what they were telling me to do I wasn’t scared so they turned around and left. (later a witness came up to me and explained what happened – then I was scared)
18. I have a secret collection of children’s books. I add to it on a regular basis..
19. I used to be very anti gun. In the last couple years I have gone shooting a couple times. Now I kind of want to own a tiny (girly), semi automatic hand gun.
20. I have a secret, suppressed desire to go hunting, kill an elk and then eat it.
21. my grandma gave me a silver charm bracelet when I was born. I have been adding charms to it ever since. I added her charms to it after she died. It is probably my most prized material possession.
22. my real life version of the velveteen rabbit is a stuffed cat named custard.
23. when i go for a walk i pick up cool looking rocks and bring them home. not sure why.
24. from the time i was in 7th grade til i graduated from high school my dad sent me flowers (often times to school) for every report card.
25. i really want to visit Germany and sit in a haufbrauhaus and sing pub songs in German (even though i dont drink). the only german i remember from HS is how to yell at someone (halts mal!, bleib sitzen!, steh auf!, geh an der fenster!) and sing pub songs.

voodoo

i am done being sad. sad sucks. now i am annoyed. annoyed is manageable. when i am annoyed i get things done. i'd make a list of things that are annoying me but that may annoy somebody(s) that reads it. so i will make a secret list of annoyances and voodoo the list.
i was thinking of voodoo the other day. several years ago i dated a guy from Louisiana. he was also an artist. he thought it was cool to make voodoo art. i thought it was tacky. eventually i told him so. one day he made these amazing pencil/ watercolor pieces that i fell in love with. he eventually gave them to me. over the course of life's dealings those pieces are living in california with a friend. i have been tempted to make a road trip to retrieve them. i miss them. (i dont even have a picture of them. i just spent 15 minutes looking)

looking forward.... one more month and then it will be SPRING!! maybe then i will cheer up and not be annoyed anymore. crappy weather, winter shoes, jeans, bulky sweaters . . . all these things are on my annoyance list.
Spring, Spring, Spring . . . .

my playlist SUCKS

my bounceback playlist SUCKS! it made me sad. do any of my readers have a song recommendation for my bounceback playlist?

Its been a while

its been a while since i've been sad. poor blue. i cant believe he always feels like this. i hate it. it makes me feel like like life is on hold; like life cant continue until i am happy again.

something today made me smile and step skip for just a minute and then it came back to me. i am sad. crap. why cant i forget that i am sad until i am no longer sad? that sounds like a good plan. maybe thats why people drink and hook up with one night stands; to temporarily forget they are sad.

i did a shot of chocolate at work today. i held it up, toasted the air, and then popped it in my mouth. it was unsatisfying and then it gave me a tummy ache.

i love compliments. empty lines of flattery are not compliments. but a true compliment elates me. i got a couple true compliments today. it made me proud. and it made me smile. and then i remembered, i am sad.

sometimes, even in the recent past, when i have been sad i have been able to still act happy. in fact, acting happy when i am really sad is kind of a drunk feeling - - surreal. sometimes when i have been caught up in these surreal acts of happiness i have fallen into some quite adventurous situations.

i think this time i am going to wait out the sad though. i am going to bask in the sadness. i am going to wallow. why? why would i do that? well, because i've never done it before.

what is this picture you say? this is me waiting it out. this is me in the backseat, with no ponytail holder, waiting for a break so i can see again. that is what this picture represents. waiting.

during the saddest time of my whole life i didn't spend 5 minutes by myself. i ran on pure adrenaline and slept on couches and in cars and i was never alone. it took me a long time to bounce back from that.

speaking of . . . i am making a bounce back play list. i listened to a few bounce back-ish songs this morning and thought to myself "wow, i should make a bounce back playlist". Blue has made numerous ANGSTY playlists. i think i will make him a copy of my bounceback playlist .... when its done.

Buster Bunny

in college i bought a floppy eared bunny and named it buster.
buster bunny.
he was so dang cute. he wiggled his nose in a way that melted my heart. but i would soon learn that he stank.

most boys (all boys??) do.

his cage stank and when i let him out of his cage he made every where else stink. i heard rumor that i could potty train him but it seemed impossible. he was an adorable, nose wiggling, STINKY bunny. later he would be my roommate's bunny. then, in an ultimatum breaking my roommate's heart, he became someone else's bunny because i couldn't tolerate his stench any longer. i couldn't look at buster. if i looked at him, his nose wiggling would melt my heart.

i had to be strong, and calloused, and be rid of the bunny.

Since then i have pushed buster out of my memory for the most part.

i have a token picture of him in my college scrap book. he is pretty dang cute to look at even in the picture. i can almost remember how soft he was and see his little nose wiggle as he burrowed into the blankets on my bed (right before he peed on it.)


nose wiggling . . . . can such a little trait really be all it takes to melt my heart?

obviously.

i hate being calloused and detached. i hate pretending to not see a nose wiggle. i hate feeling my heart leap and not acknowledging it. years later will i still be haunted by a little nose wiggler?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4IARhIaCkV0

this video looks like bunny nose FLARING, not wiggling. a wiggle has a little more of a circular motion. unfortunately, i know just where to find the wiggle too. and i really wish it was on youtube so i could watch it right now.